Get Ready for Valentine's Day! (Right F*&king NOW!!)

Wow, look at the time(and date!). A whole lot of time has past since my last Broken-Hearted Bitter Bitches Day. That said, let's get right to the nitty-gritty. Start Now. Buy a box of candy. Hell, Wal-Mart already has big-ass displays of them. You won't have to select from a mangy stack of cards for either your brother or your boss if you START NOW. And did I mention that the Hairy Peeter would be ecstatic to take your motherfucking holiday orders? NOW? It's like a reservation for an exclusive resto, only your quirky, resourceful, recession-proof self is going to wear a chef's hat and nothing else to prepare dinner for your sweet Foofy-tits. We would be happy to reserve you a pound or five of shrimp, scallops, salmon, fil-lay, or whatever the hell you plan on putting that fire extinguisher to good use for that day. We will cut steaks into the shape of hearts, steam your shellfish, even poke an engagement ring into a piece of grouper. (No, I probably can't, but the thought of a smug yuppie cracking her perfectly veneered chompers always needs injecting into my blog.)



What we won't* do....



*Now keep in mind that your state of mind when addressing the staff of the Peeter can greatly affect what kind of service you receive from us.



We will not clean your shellfish. Take your lazy, or unprepared ass to the frozen food section and purchase something RTG. You sadistic son of a bitch. Do you seriously not see that I am the only associate in this department with a line of five? This has never been allowed.



We will not steam fish fillets, scallops, or live shellfish, except lobster. We do not have any other seasonings for seafood except for Old Bay(NOT SPICE). If you want other flavors, buy them, the fish, and take it the fuck home and cook it.



We are not sommoliers. These fucknuggets barely taught me to fillet a fish, much less pair a wine with it! I'm going to tell you to to go to your nearest BP, buy a gallon of Wild Irish Rose, the blue kind because it kinda looks like the ocean, and take it to the neck.

And, in your haste to impress your mate/M.I.L/boo/, Please, PLEASE, PLEASE remember that we are trying to help you. Giving us a funky attitude because we ran out of something that you have planned all week for is not only unfair because you waited 1 hour before your dinner was scheduled to start and did not even have the good fucking sense to call, it will get you remembered as an asshole and we will make a point of letting our co-workers know it, possibly meaning that you will receive less-than-stellar, cold service from all of us. And we know our product. We can pick out a roast that will be talked about for years for it's tenderness, or we can select for you some shit that's best marinade will be one half battery acid and half being run over by an Escalade for about an hour. If you think years of shitty service are worth a snarky comment..... You make that judgement call. Now, I am preparing to go serve the masses, get pissy drunk from Sparks and cheap vodka, and grind my ass suggestively on some random penises at several clubs this weekend. (My SO has better shit to do! =]) Enjoy your Special Day, and yes my eyes just involuntarily rolled, and leave me a comment about your worst Valentine's Day. I wub you guys!

Crab Legs with Exkra Old Spice! And make sure they HOT!

Dear opillio/tanner/snow Crab,

I hate you. God knows, before I had to steam pounds and pounds upon steaming hot piles of pounds of your succulent little bodies in only two pound increments for hours upon end at the LAST POSSIBLE FUCKING MINUTE of my shift, I loved you. In my old stomping grounds at Hell-Mart, with my extravagant twice daily fifteen(ahem,thirty,ahhrgh) minute breaks and one hour lunches, I could easily eat a pound of your tasty claws with a small container of red potato salad. But now, you vile fucking fuck, have turned me against my own race, punched holes into my fingers, and made me want to commit suicide. I hate Mentos for saving up enough vacation and personal time to be able to take a week off when your goddamn asses are on sale. If I ever get enough time, money, and power, I will make it my personal mission to exterminate both you and Tilapia from the face of this earth. Have a wonderful New Year!

Shuflayn


I noticed that the weeks when I do the most self-medicating are when these crab legs are on sale. Lovely, frozen, thirty pound boxes of the spindly, cheap things. When they are not on sale, they are ten bucks a pound. WTF?? A drinking straw's worth of crab in one skinny leg. It's their money and they should buy whatever they want, right? Not with fucking EBT. Otherwise known as "The Food Stamp Card", aka the Bane Of My Exsistance. The state and federal government tax the holy fuck out of the two paychecks I recieve every four days for these lazy assholes. The last time I bought crab legs, they'd been reduced to $2.99 pp. I fucking hate people who walk up to me with designer purses that probably cost more than my car payment, shiny new sneakers, and dirty, ashy kids in tow, having the nerve to whisper, "Can I get steamed seafood on EBT?" I make a point of shouting back, because of the noisy fans in the department, no doubt, "SURE, YOU CAN USE YOUR FOOD STAMPS FOR ANYTHING BACK HERE, MAAM!!!" With a big, forced, grin. The reason I get so many asks is because the card cannot be used for "prepared" food. 100% void in the deli for hot chickens, subs, or ribs. God, it's money given to these goddamn people to pay for food to take the fuck home and cook. By the time they get it there, it's going to need reheating again. I'm not talking about folks who hardly ever come back to my department, who you see with kids or a disability, buying fish or meat, or even shrimp. I'm seriously upset by the motherfuckers who come in constantly, gripping their EBT card in one hand and an iPhone in the other. Cheap bastards. I can barely afford a pack of ramen some weeks, and I have to wrap up 40 dollars worth of lobster for these shmucks. Overheard on the phone: " You need anything from the store girl? A steak? Don't worry about it, I got my EBT... Just pick me up an Icehouse (beer) before you come home." He knows that he needs his ass beat for that shit.

Man, I Can't Even Do It.

I can't believe I'm still doing this! Six months since the stank ass car accident that threw my finances into the shitter, I'm still at the Kang and the Teet. Hell, there were a few moments when I was sure I'd be fired. One morning I came in almost comatose from lack of sleep, and was giving the task of "cooking" the bacon for the sandwiches. It's pre-cooked, and comes in a large pack of normal sized bacon strips. Our "job" is to cut them in half and nuke the shit out of them until they perfume the air and are no longer limp. I placed the bacon on the cutting board, started slicing with a serrated knife, rested my forehead against the cool microwave, and was jerked awake about a minute later, still cutting, by Mr. Dilbert's voice. "Shuflayn!! WHAT the hell are you doing??" I sucked in the puddle of drool that threatened to jump from my lower lip and looked at what i was doing. I had managed to shred about sixteen strips of bacon into sad, smoky ribbons that were all less than a half inch in width. I tried to laugh it off and hurriedly shoved the mess into a trash can next to the waste bucket. Wrong move. I had no idea that Fancy does regular dumpster dives, allegedly to find out why we have so much waste. This fish took all the bacon out of the damn trashcan, put that shit in a paper bag with my name on it, and saved it for the district manager to see when she gave us a store walk the next day. I was not in trouble at all. Fancy just gave me funky looks for the rest of the month.

....... And after that, I started realizing that in the position I am in at the Fling, I can pretty much do whatever the fuckity fuck I want as long as I show up. When I come in, I do exactly $6.55 worth of minimum wage ass shit per hour. After that I pretty much loaf around, bullshit with customers, and play on my new Palm Centro. Occasionally, I can hold an intelligent conversation with one of my co-workers, but more than often, not. One of our regular old guys who comes in the morning, Mr. Happy, was getting his senior turbo coffee refilled by LaPain, a girl who's been working at the Fling for almost 2 years. She'd had gastric bypass surgery a few years ago, too. Her kangaroo stomach and ass that looked like cottage cheese crammed in a holy trash bag were the cause of many a chuckle at our small store. Not to mention one of her previous sex partners, an ex-employee, kindly let everyone who would listen that her vag was "haunted" and smelled like "a sewer". Suck.... But anyfakelezzie,, Mr. Happy had a red, white and blue sticker that proudly proclaimed "I Voted Today!" Of course, conversation quickly slid into politics. "So who'd you vote for Mr. Happy?" LaPain simpered in a voice that made me want to drag her into the cooler and bash her skull against a holding rack. "Well, I'm a Republican, sweetie. I voted for McCain this year." Her features instantly clouded over. Before she said a word, I chimed in, "Me too!" and smiled at him winningly(with a wink.). "Good choice there, Mustang Sally! Y'all have a good morning." He plodded off with his warm cup. LaPain cut her eyes at me bitterly. I smiled again. "You are going to fuck around and get your tires slashed voting for McCain." I actually physically stepped back against the force of her words. What teh hewwww???? I cocked my head to the side like a hungry parakeet to listen to her rant. "That's why your dumb ass is going to be working at Burger Fling for the rest of your life." I felt my own speech bubbling up inside me but instinctively held back. This is fucking bullshit! The reason why we are allowed to vote is to give us that freedom that Malcolm fought ferociously for. You ignorant god-damned whale! McCain is fucked anyway. He's not going to win!.... All at once I felt discouraged. I'm sure we would make Mr. Obama proud, threatening to go to blows to ensure my vote in the election. I felt disgusted with my race. I went and "bothered" Fancy, so she would take the necessary steps to ensure that this fuckwad didn't mess with my car or my person. Now, discussion of politics at the Fling is strictly forbidden. This is fine with me. If, when asked why you are voting for a candidate and the only reason you can manage is "Cause he Black," to the amusement and acceptance of your peers, you should not be allowed to talk about it. Fucking idiots.

How NOT to Steal From the Peeter.

Sufferin' Succotash! (yeah, it didn't work for me either, but I'm running out of cute exclamations to begin posts with.) Yesterday was a painfully slow Sunday. We didn't have jack shit to put in the seafood case. No more fresh sea scallops, sole, Alaskan salmon, or even space fillers like the creepy frog legs or fetus-like baby squid. So I had to keep busy. I re-arranged the sad selection of fish fillets and sprayed them with distilled water for an attractive sheen. I scrubbed every exposed section of the case with bootleg Windex. I prepped entire pans of frozen tilapia and mahi-mahi for tomorrow's lazy-ass opener. Finally, I made it around to the outside of the case, making sure every can of crabmeat and package of sausage was OCD-straight. I was about to head back into the fort when I saw a target. YAAAAY BUISNESS. I bounced right on over to him, wishing I had not when I got closer. He was not going to buy a damn thing. A Black dude in his early 40's, wearing a stained red t-shirt, jeans, and a pair of bustdown sneakers. "HEEEEY! How are you today? You finding everything..." I trailed off as I watched him grabbing steaks and throwing them into his hand basket. He appeared to be on his cell phone. "Yeah. But do you know where the charcoal at?" Um... It's the middle of grilling season. We always have stuff like that on huge displays. Usually at either entrance of the store. I then notice the TYPE of steaks that he was carelessly nabbing. Porterhouse steak, which is not on sale. He had completely cleaned the section out. And he had not so much as glanced at the price, weight, thickness or anything. My heart started beating fast. "Yeah, charcoal is over this way sir! I'll show you..." While I frantically tried to think of the best way to alert someone that foolio was going to make a break for it very soon. "Nah, I'll find it. I need to get some cooking oil anyway. Thanks." Meanwhile, the phone he had jammed to his face vibrated and rang at the same time. I raised my eyebrows and a shadow of guilt passed over his face. Fuck. I perfectly executed a quick about-face from my brief stint in NJROTC and started speed-walking up to the manager's office at the front of the store. True to form, Hee-Haw was sitting in front of the computer in his office, frowning at the screen like he had just smelled a fart. He looked like he was mildly irritated at me as I walked in, out of breath. "I think there's this guy trying to steal and he got a whole bunch of steaks and he is looking for charcoal and..." (fuck, I hate how easilyI turn into a babbling idiot in front of these douchetarded managers.) He literally leapt out of his bendy office chair. "Okay, now do What? What does the guy have on?" I told him, and he got on his house-phone style floor monitor handset. He strolled off, leaving me feeling slightly embarrassed and lonely, so I went back and waited in my department, where of course in the two minutes I was gone, I'd aquired a line of five fuckin' people. Time passed quickly as I wrapped up the customer's shit and sent them on their merry way. About ten minutes after I was damn near comatose from pure nosy-ness, Hee-Haw and Deyshawn,(a grocery manager) walked through the back door in the meat department, smiling triumphantly with the basket of expensive steaks, topped off by a bottle of cheap Peeter brand vegetable oil. "$189 worth of steaks," he pronounced in his syrupy drawl. He reminded me to call his extension the next time I saw a stealer. I smoked so much pot when I was a kid, I'm lucky I remember how to use the bathroom. Sweet black baby Jesus in Detroit....

... The Hell?

After a four-day long vacation from the Fling, it was almost fun pulling into the parking lot, filled with cigarette butts and debris from other fast-food joints. I carefully backed my Mustang into a space with the passenger's side away from the windows, so none of my co-workers could see the sizeable ding in her side, stemming from just one (or three) sips of cheap brown liquor on my birthday's eve. Apparently it clouded my judgement enough to make me slam into the side of a concrete wedge sticking out of a median next to a gas pump. Surprisingly, I felt hungry when I smelled the hash browns and inevitably burnt bacon this morning. Probably because when I'm home and up that early, I eat. Mr. Dilbert was completing a drive-thru order as I walked in. We exchanged greetings and Wigga grumbled a "Good Morning" from the kitchen. I looked around, and as usual, 45453 things had changed since the last time I'd been there. We FINALLY made the switch to trans-fat free oil for the fryers. Most other fast food establishments changed months or even years ago, but I think the Fling was right in keeping it for as long as they legally could. The fries, onion rings, and hash browns will probably taste like shit now with that healthy freakin stuff. And FYI: I would not consider anything except for the Veggie Burger, which is cooked in it's own special pan, safe for a vegetarian. The Pork Sausage Patties are fried in any available grease, which sometimes infuses the other products, like French Toast Sticks, with a strange, rich, hoggy flavor. We also starting using the Trans-fat free crossaint-wich bread. I'm counting minutes until some hillbilly brings back their "Sawseh en Chaise Kussaint-wik" complaing of it's lack of grease. The prep was already totally finished when I came in at 6am, so we just waited around for customers and filled up sugar, dipping sauce for nuggets, and ketchup.Car pulls up. "Fancy", our General Manager, pre-recorded a message of her saying, "Good Morning, how may I help you?" to play within 3 seconds of a car tripping the weight sensor. "Hold on." said a deep, country voice. "Sure, let me know when you are ready!" I said in my disgustingly cheerful morning voice. About 60 seconds passed. I gently prodded- "Need a bit more time, sir?" A loooong pause. "A'ight. We ready." Another hellishly long pause. Mr. Dilbert poked his head around from the manager's office, where he was eating his daily biscuit with syrup. "What the hell do they want? Jackasses.", he snapped, running to the handwash sink to rinse the sweetness off of his fingers. "What can I get you??" he carped over the tinny drive-through microphone. "Ummmm...... We need fo' crassaints. On 2 of them, though, I just want the egg and the cheese." I tapped two Egg-Cheese Crossaint-wiches into the POS and waited. Another pause.... Mr. Dilbert cracked back down. "What are the other two?!" The drive-thru timer crept up on 2:30. "Uhhh..... with whatever else it come with!" At this, I collapsed. Tears sprung to the sides of my eyes as I screamed with laughter in the small window. My mouth wide open, I drooled on my arm slightly and Mr. Dilbert tried to stifle a chuckle as he sternly demanded, "What kind of meat?" But it didn't come out the first time, only "Meat??" to which they responded, "Sausage." But he didn't hear them, so he fairly shrieked, "WHAT KIND OF MEAT?!!" the second time. They again told him, "Sausage?" in a frightened voice. By this time, I was crouched on the floor next to the trash can, weeping and holding my aching abs. He hollered the total through the speaker, and immediately a car pulled into their place. I attempted to take their order. "Two Cini-Minis, please." I tapped the order in and spoke. "Okay, that's two Cini Minis; $2......BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" I was no more good for the next ten minutes. Later on, after Fancy arrived, she started making the schedule and I noticed a new shift. Oh, SHIT. We are now moving to 24 hours. I immediately volunteered for a spot. Hurrah for drunks and 3rd shift factory workers!! The best blog fodder I know.

For 6.25 An Hour..

I am allowed to have my world rocked by the Prejudiced Guy In the Busted Honda Civic. Perhaps having that shitty automobile makes his attitude understandingly rank. I had the pleasure of meeting this stooge at about 5:30 one morning on a Thursday. He was our first car, and sounded sweet on the earpiece of the system. When he got up to the first window and our eyes met, his expression changed from a smile to a grimace worthy of someone being given a lemon-juice enema from a rusty dildo. (He was the first to say this.) "You sounded like a white girl on the speaker." At first, I chuckled and said, "Well...." and "Hehehe." But he wasn't laughing. I was confused, and was stupid enough to say "Sorry" as he raced off to the next window after accepting his change as though my hand were diseased. I overanalyzed it over the next few hours. Sorry for what? Sorry for my voice belieing my skin color? Sorry that you were raised by parents who taught you that minorities should be treated like slaves? What in the fuckity fuck was I apologizing for? Sadly, I realized that this snarky bastard is a "regular". He generally came as soon as we turned on the parking lot lights, and loitered at the drive-thru board for as long as he possibly can and acts a motherfucking fool when somebody has to prod him to order. His total is never more than $1.07. About a week ago, he returned, and I really did not give a shit. I try to go out of my way to seem unaffected by his hateful aura. To avoid touching his hand, I folded up his .93 cents into his reciept in a neat rectangle and gave it to him. He responded by snatching it out of my hand and throwing the change into the passenger's seat of the car. I felt vile words bubbling at the back of my throat like Steel Reserve (next day) vomit, and I reeled away from the window, shocked by his disgust. I called Dilbert over to the window to pass out his Ham Omlette (Now, I've catagorized this as the Redneck Sang-wige). Dilbert gave him (or had it snatched) the sang-wige, and it's been about a week since I've seen him. He's one of the first true examples of racism that I've had directed toward me in my short life, and it made me feel dirty.

Burger Fling Therapy

You know something? In a twisted, mean and probably harmful way, the Fling is theraputic to me right now. I go from a job where I am afraid to say anything but "Yessuh Massa", to a job where I could probably tell a customer "Fuck You" and return to work the next day with no ill will from anyone. It makes my bitter little heart smile. I was in the "Present" window, where you pass drinks and food to the customer, yesterday. I was having a pretty sunny day because I was supposed to be off, but was covering someone's shift, and didn't have to wake up until 8 AM, instead of 4:30. The Burger Fling bigwigs were coming to check out the store, but amazingly, I was due to leave before they arrived. And then Hoemiesha arrives.. I hate to stereotype, but she is just so average! Just by looking at her, I imagine her as at forty-year old single mother, working at a Section-8 office and complaining about all of the trifling trash that she has to help find housing. She reeks of self-righteousness. She was expediting(putting the crap in a bag or a tray and putting it in the right place.) and we got in one of those trainwreck-waiting-to-happen rushes. One minute everyone is standing around drinking soda and the next, six Triple Floppers and eight ToughGrills cover the board. After about a one-minute lull after the first rush, I hear Hoemiesha sneakily (and yet still loudly) saying to an employee at the broiler, "Yeah, she's bringing it back because Shuflayn passed the wrong thing out the window." Ugh..... I felt the pinpricks of irritation at the back of my brain at hearing her words, and when the lady got back to the window, her face was scrunched up with a bulldoggish look. "I wanted a hamburgah kids meal. I didn't ask fo no dayum chicken nuggets!" I apologized immediately and let her know we would replace it ASAP. I waited, and about a minute later, Hoemiesha daintily placed the bag upon the counter. "THIS is the hamburger kids meal." She then snobbishly twirled around to go back to her station. Oh hell no... I essentially sailed the woman's meal out of the small window and wished her a happy/wonderful/sanctified afternoon. "So I guess I'm the only one to ever pass the wrong FUCKING thing out of the window?" She stopped with her only-present-during-lunchtime diddybopping when she heard me. "It's not MY fault, YOU are supposed to look in the bag before you..." I started tuning her out after that. She was starting to make no sense, and also sounded like Butters from the T.V. show South Park. A few minutes later, I had to ask a car to pull forward because we were cooking something and the drive-thru is on a timer; having them wait at the window would have killed whatever relay race we were going for. The next woman had a Double Cracker value meal with Onion Rings and a Sprite. That's it. So when Hoemiesha threw a bag next to me that contained chicken nuggets, I blanched. I started reading the screen with orders, trying to figure out where this needed to go, when I heard her say, "It's a Double Cracker Meal! Get it out the window!" I flipped out. "Well what the hell are chicken nuggets doing in here?" I tossed the barely warm package onto the counter. She ran over, ready for a confrontation. "No, you can't do that. You....." I looked back in the bag and saw fries instead of onion rings. "This whole order is wrong! Get your shit together!" I responded, and almost flung the bag at her. The lady at the window's jaw dropped. I saw Hoemiesha's bottom lip quiver and I knew I had won. She assembled the order correctly and stalked back to the kitchen, presumably to tell a manager. Surprisingly, the store manager made her stay back in the kitchen and work, and nothing was said to me at all. And I don't feel worried. Damn, that felt wonderful.

Round Table- Volume 14! (Late!)

What's up everyone? You know Negroes are always late for everything! (I just noticed that I have a Google ad on my site that says, "Stop Racism". SMH...) I'm checking in from my cave of fishy goodness to let yall know about some awesome stuff that I've seen this week.



Ali of El Vermino Boulevard is taking a bit of a breather; Where the hell are all of the St. Paddy's Day winos?



Bitter over at bitterwaitress is reminding me again of why I love her, especially because of her STD. Old people suck fuzzy kitties out of drainpipes!



Bitchy Waitress at "At Least Call Me Miss" is totally right on the money with this one. I'm so sick of fucking stuff up while trying to meet a goal for speed. You don't have to go nursing-home slow to take a minute and make sure your shit is correct.



Restaurant Gal is back, and reviewing a restaurant-themed movie I have been curious about for quite awhile. Great review! Might even be worth hunting the bootleg man down for!



Ah! Ryan! I serve idiots, too! I totally would have slipped some Visine in the drink of any yuppie-in-training with a mouth like that. Jesus Christ!



Upset Waitress almost made me crap myself from laughing. Long live blogging, dammit!



Manuel at the Well Done Fillet is being mildly horrified by obese, gangsta whales; But sometimes, customers are the most satisfying form of entertainment, especially when they tip 25%.



Lobster Boy (My brothafromanothamotha) struck a nerve with me in this old-school post. Why are some people such cheap bitches? SMH... You can always see the scammers 50 miles away.



Waiter Rant shows us again that arrogant, snarky SOBs are easily manipulated: They can and should be taken advantage of as much as possible.



Ribeye, I have a suggestion. When these little vag-heads try to buy drinks underage, agree, and use rubbing alcohol in place of whater liquor they request.

Tony Dine, I see you! :) I think that "wine experts" (or old farts with too much time and money who eat out WAY too much) just need a few puffs of reefer before the meal. It will make Wild Irish Rose taste like a $80 vintage wine.



And finally, I am going to start making up for lost time, with an explanation for my tardiness here at the Seafood Department. Next week's Round Table will be hosted over at El Vermino Boulevard... Big ups to Ribeye for allowing me to host this week! Although I'm sure Affirmative Action played a major part ;-) .

The links should work this time, thanks to Ribeye doing some editing.

Sour Tenderloin

I'm back... It's been awhile. The Peeter has been wearing me the hell out. I have a Valentine's Day post I'm still trying to edit... Give me a little time. Whew... Today was shitty. Mentos opened this morning, and the seafood display was FUBAR when I came in at three. She was stocking some frozen shrimp, and stayed just long enough to tell me to do some shit I already knew needed doing. I had not been in the department three minutes before Snarlie tried to recruit me into the dark side of the Meat Dept. "Shue-flayn!!! When ya not busy, go 'head and weigh up some leg quattahs!" I started calculating to myself... Hmmm. In the time it takes this fathead to nag me to do something, two cases of the leg quarters could have been priced, stickered, and sold. Leg quarters, pork tenderloin, baby back ribs, and other heavy items should just be delivered to my motherfucking house. At least I'd get a jump start and could avoid these crap-tastic customers. Got a real winner today. Ol girl was a centerfold in last month's Crackwhore Digest. I should have knew something was up with her in the first place. She had meth mouth, to start off. Here in the South, methamphetamine abuse runs rampant. I've seen some of my old skool-skippin buddies turned into zombies over that shit. Her daughter, probably about five, skulked around nervously in a cheap pink windbreaker as I took her order. "I need three filets(tenderloin steaks) cut 1 inch thick, ALL THE SAME SIZE." Picky ass customers are not unusual(unless they look like her, but I digress.)so I gave her order to Snarlie and told her it would be just a moment. He cut them up, and I handed them to her. Cost- $33.46. "Are these okay maaam?" She inspected the package, said "Yes, these are great!" and walked off. I shit you not- 10 minutes later, around five, Snarlie decides to take a lunch at our busiest hour. BFD- happens every day, but today, as soon as his skinny ass disappeared into the wine aisles, this fucktard pops back up. "I just need to ask you a question, before anything. Does this look like they are all the same size???" She thrust the bloody package of meat into my face. I wanted to smack her. The third steak was smaller than the other two- of all the trifling dirtbags, Snarlie had to fuck it up for her. "No, maam." She let me have it. "I drive all the way home, get there, see this- they are not the same size! They are supposed to be on the table, right now!" I immediatley drop to my knees and begin to lick and kiss her taint lovingly. "Maam, I am so sorry that you had to come all the way back out here because of this. Let me just get the butcher." I ducked around the corner, anxious to get her stinky ass out my face, when I realized that the Shmuck had gone to lunch. Oh, God help me, please. Now there is someone else in line. When I tell her that he's gone to lunch, I can almost see the dollar signs in her eyes. I am frantically trying to figure out a way to solve her problem that did not wind up with me getting fired. I finally said, "Maam, I will try to cut you some steaks back here, to the best of my ability, but I really don't know how to"- cut off. "It's NOT hard! You take the knife, and you cut it. Yall are a MEAT department. You should know how to cut a steak." I tried, feebly, to tell the wench that I work in seafood, and any attempts I make to learn anything about meat are turned into crude sex jokes. So I hauled out the flattened half of the loin that was left in the cooler. Before I left the cooler, I did a few woo-sahs and tried to imagine a beach in my childhood, anything to make me calm down. I slapped it on the white cutting block, holding back tears. Tenderloin is not cheap. I swear to God, I did not want to take a knife to this expensive primal and foul it up, to get yelled at more by my co-workers. I gave up after cutting one. I let her know that I could not do it, well, and she started up again. "How hard is it? I used to work in a butcher shop!" Well guess what, bitch? I DON'T!! I work in SEAFOOD. These sorry fucks are too cheap to hire another motherfucker back here, so we all have to pick up each other's slack. I wanted to tell her to strap on an apron and have at it. Seriously. But she wanted me to go find the store manager. So I went and found Hee-Haw, who paged Snarlie back from his lunch break. He had to cut six more steaks until he "Got it right." This sea-hag walked away with thirty dollars worth of tenderloin steak without paying for shit. Maybe she can use some of that money she saved to buy her child some shoes without holes. I hope she chokes. Hee Haw is so afraid of corporate Hairy Peter, he will practically take a customer in the back room and give them a BJ if it will make them happy. Word on the grapevine is that we failed four LP audits in a row. It can only get better, hopefully.

Valentine's Day. 1 Month Later

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.”
Lyndon B. Johnson (1908-1973)
Former president of the U.S.


Valentine's Day is always February 14. Always. Always. Never had the date changed due to bad weather or lack of participation. Every Year. Feb. 14. I seem to be able to grasp that, and have been able to since I made my first construction paper Valentine for my "Mammy". Most customers that shop at the Hairy Peter, apparently do not get the memo until around 2:00pm, February 14. I came in at 3:00pm(okay, 3:03), (thus beginning weeks of cutting hours of the Queen :/ ) and I just caught Clay, walking away from the time clock, sweating. "Hey Clay, what's going on?" He took a swig from his mini-keg of "Kool-Aid" (coughBoone'sFarmcough) and responded. "Jesus, it's busy back there, sweety. I gotta go.." and with that, strolled his bulk out of the sliding doors. Aw, fuck... I was closing with A.R., aka Luke Skywalker, and Tattoo Tim. Now everybody loves Tim, because he's easygoing and friendly and full of tatts and crack. He was slightly irritated because he had to work on Valentine's Day. Luke is a different story. I would probably rather play leapfrog with a unicorn, or drink a gallon of Bony the Noob's (new management) tit sweat than work with him. He's extremely rushed and nervous and anal, and constantly reminds me of a poster child for ADHD, with extreme communication issues.. Great, a fun filled night of fuckery with Asshole and Asshole Lite.

One of my biggest surprises was that the live lobsters were actually selling. They are pretty much tiny "chix"(1 1/4 pounds or so) and were $14.99Lb. I hate the lobster tank. Why? Because the fucking thing has not been cleaned since BayBay(legendary seafood dude) left. The water is brown and smelly, I guess from overcrowding the poor things, and lack of knowledge about how to clean it. Mentos is going to be an assistant manager back here in a few, and she does not know how to clean it. OMGWTFBBQ? She's been up in the Peet for at least thirteen years. In Hell-Mart, they got a third-party company to come in after close and do it professionally. Now, when I open it, there is a weird brown foam bubbling out of the cover, and it smells like wild monkeys. I must have had to dip my arm in that cesspool at least eight times, scrubbing furiously afterwards. I feel a flashback coming on.....

***"I can't take this shit anymore!! Fuck!"- an exclamation inside my head, walking in my department at 12:30 one day. The lobster tank is looking like lobsters swimming in diarreah. "Mentos! Look at this! I think there are some dead ones in here!" She took a cursory glance. "Oh, yeah, there might be a couple. I have to leave a little bit early today..." So she was out the door before you could say, "Clap-Havin Jezebel". Man, God Damn! I lifted the lid, and the stench of dead crustaceans and musty armpits assaulted my nose. Fart was cutting meat about 15 feet away, and I heard him yelp, "Christ! What is that fuckin smell?" All I could do was shake my head. The tank had been looking like Who-Shot-Johnny-But-Forgot-To-Kill-Him for days now, but I (wrongly) assumed that one of the full-timers would get around to cleaning it. I was lost. I called Fart over to help, and he showed me a filter at the top that was filled with a black, charcoal-looking substance. He rinsed it out, and shoved it back in. "You might haveta get you some of those dead ones out of there." No shit, Sherlock? Because I was seriously considering building a campfire up in this bitch and making a pot of stew. I set up two grey lugs on my seafood cutting board next to the tank. I grabbed a long pair of tongs, and began to sort. Dead, dead, dead, giving up the ghost soon, feisty, dead, dead, dead, HALF EATEN??!!-Hold the fuck up! I started finding pieces of tail and heads with the meat gnawed off floating around. That, combined with the funky odor, was making my stomach churn. When I finally finished, the "Dead" lug was overflowing. The total waste was about $400. This was my first lesson of, "Do it your Motherfucking Self, Or It Won't Get Done."**





It started off innocently enough. We sell live lobsters at $14.99lb. And cold water lobster tails from Canada, at $7.99lb. Mentos ordered two cases of live lobster, about 24 total, and probably 839328989348 cases of the frozen tails. I guess Luke finally dug in her ass enough about ordering enough shit to cover a sale. The past few weeks,customers have been SOL on numerous sale items. Fart helped me tray up two cases the day before, much to my dismay. Not to be an asshat, but if I need help with something, I'll ask. Fart took the liberty of thawing out two cases and putting them in trays. Problem being, these motherfuckers come in frozen. Re-freezing shellfish is just wrong. The ice crystals break down the texture of the flesh. So when you put them in the tray dripping wet, and sealed with plastic wrap by hand, the sharp edges of the shell may create tiny holes, and they are more susceptible to freezerburn. So they did look like shit the next day. And I'm writing this a month later- we still have most of the shitty-looking packages that he wrapped sitting in the freezer. The bulk of the people came after five, rushing, Bogarting the front counter, being rude, but at least being less thrifty then usual. They day became a blur of filling, filleting, cutting, removing skin, and steaming lobster/shrimp/crab. When it finally hit around 8, and Luke finally put away his light saber, a woman came up to the meat counter in her ugly granny-print coat, and wanted some lamb chops. More than happy to get that, so you can GTFO. As soon as I had it wrapped, about to slide it over the counter, she said, "I changed my mind. I need another one." I raised my eyebrows. Not in any rude fashion, whatsoever. (I'm very careful now, since the confrontation from Big Slim, the co-manager.) But she goes on. "Unless it's too much trouble." I should have said nothing else, but I was borderline psychopathic at this point and had to say, "No maam! That's my job!" She gave me one of those half-smirk, half-arrogant looks and said snarkily, "Well, you looked like you were going to blow your top." AWHELLZTOTHEFUCKNAW. Blow my top??? Fool, do you know the shit I had to put up with today? The ass I had to kiss?? The fuckin abuse I take from crazies like you? Constantly?.... No... She does not know. She probably will never have to. It was not her fate to become a salmon-selling buttmunch. She just knows what she is used to. And that's all I can expect her to care about. So I wrapped up the extra chop, and wished her a good night. She stomped off prissily, and I sent a silent prayer for help. Please don't let this fucker go find management and tell them I was rude. I just want to go home to my cat, my ramen with siracha, and my chocolate ice cream sandwitches in peace. Fuckin Peeter...

SMH.

Lent was anti-climatic like a mofo. I truly expected buisness to be jumpin like Taco Bell on Cinco de Mayo, but it was just a normal, steady day. We got a 100.05 on the Health Department's walk.

Yay! I got in at ten thirty, having just woke up that morning at about ten fifteen, and damn near wrecking my car trying to get there on time. Clay was moping around at the front counter, looking like someone pissed in his cornflakes. It was Wednesday, and there were tons of cryptkeepers walking, fresh from Mass, looking extremely butthurt because they actually had to spend some money and not just wait until tomorrow(Cryptkeeper discount Thursdays, Yeeyyy). I started noticing something, very early in the morning. First I just saw an old lady, with a dusky-looking grey bruise on her forehead. I didn't ask her anything; it's rude, and older people tend to bruise easily. But after her, there was an older couple sporting the same type of bruise. Then an older man, and another couple. I started to get a little nosy. We got busy after lunchtime, selling hella cod, tilapia, and catfish, and a middle aged woman with too loud boys stopped by for a pound of cod. She had the "mark" too. My curiousity finally overpowered my good sense, and I asked her, "Maam? Did you know that you have some paint or makeup on your forehead?" She looked confused for a second, then said "Oh! The ashes! Today is Ash Wednesday. It's a Catholic holiday, and when you go to Mass, you have ashes put on your forehead........" I could feel a spiritual long winded speech brewing, so interjected with, "Wow, thanks for telling me!" All this time, I was seriously starting to think that there was some type of Cryptkeeper's Fight Club meeting that that they'd all gotten a little too enthusiastic in. Kind of hilarious if you think about it, but the day got weirder. A man came in a few hours later, needing some King Crab Legs. We have the XL 6-9 size,(per 10lbs) and they were on "sale" for $12.99plb. He wanted some frozen ones, which I brought out, right before I noticed he was blowing and picking his damn nose, and he immediately started peeking over the counter, then ducking to try and look throught the case glass, and then standing on his tiptoes to peek again, like some retarted ferret. "Sir, would you like to see the crab legs? I'll bring them around the..." Next thing I know, Foolio is trying to walk into our department in his scuffed-ass tennis shoes and no hairnet. Loss Prevention's worst fucking nightmare. I'm strugging to hold up the flimsy, damp box, which is starting to fold under the weight of the legs, and shuffling through the legs at the same time when this ass-pirate reaches in the box with his filthy hands and starts grabbing legs. Ugh!!! I made a mental note to never buy any more legs there unless the plastic is still holding the box together. "Sir!! Would you like some gloves or something?! Because you.." "NO, I'm fine," he wheezed, making me want to poke his eyes out with the legs he was discarding in one half of the box because they were not "fat enough". "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to put some gloves on, if you want to look through them like this. It's not sanitary, and I could really get in a lot of trouble!" He paused for just a moment. "Welllllll, I guess I don't want you to get in trouble. I'll take these two,", he said plunking two huge legs on the top of the stainless steel counter, "and you find me two more that look just like that." With that said, he tooted a few more boogies into his tissue, and stepped back, expectantly. What a fucktard! My soon to be Seafood Manager, Mentos (I'm looking at a box of Mentos and cannot think of a nickname for her) said I was correct to ask him to put some gloves on those nasty mitts. The rest of the day was fairly uneventful, though..

Oh Snap! The Health Inspector?

She was here a month ago... and left grown men trembling in fear at her wake....... You never, ever know when she will be back. You are helping a customer, or putting away some cod, and BOOYAH!!! Right in your face, son. She is the health inspector, and God have mercy on the poor souls who are unprepared for her return. We'd just had the cutting boards resurfaced when she came in with the store manager, Hee Haw, yesterday. He had a look on his face that said, (when her back was turned) "I swear to chips and salsa, this shit better be clean up in here." I immediatley launched into the bust-my-ass last minute detail mode, but several Cryptkeepers lined up at the counter, like clockwork, completely derailing my plan. As soon as I was freed from their ghastly clutches, I sneaked over to the seafood prep sink to spray out the lone e-z peel stuck in the drain, along with some fragments of king crab cluster shell. She was examining the scales when one of our newer hamburger jockeys, "Fart", walked over to her and started making empty, pointless conversation about how he remembered how his daughter went to school with her. I was shaking my head. The last fuckin thing you want to do is talk to a health inspector while they are doing their job. They probably have a feeling that you are trying to distract them from their very important job of deciding whether or not to keep your fucking ass in buisness, so it makes them concentrate harder on the little shit they may not have noticed before. She continued to walk around, taking notes, while Fart rambled, making me want to stick my hand in the tenderizer. All of the cases were the proper temperature, the walls and floors and tracks and doors and saws and stuff were good. And let me not forget the fact that the water in the sanitizer sink was greasy because Fart kept "washing" his hands in it. They could not find a thermometer until Hee Haw asked me, about five seconds before they walked out the door. Now, they asked Fart, who did not know.. Why in the fuck would they ask me as a last resort?!! I work in the department that actually uses it! (It was next to the microwave, where it always is... Unless the Meat department needs one, seriously. Are they grilling fuckin steaks back there? WTF?) And also, I'm not sure if they ever found the market manager's ServSafe certificate, which gives us two extra points on the grade. No word on the grade yet, but I should be able to find out today. Which, I might add, is my first extra-long shift; 10:30 to 9:00pm. That's because it's Ash(ASS) Wednesday, which kicks off the beginning of Lent. Lent is like, say, the mother of all holidays for seafood. It shows alot about the strength of your department. If your team is fucked during Lent, all of yall need to find another occupation. It brings in the worst people you will probably wait on all year. That, coupled with the fact that I had three mystery shops that I did not greet the customer fast enough in, makes this a crucial holiday for me. I guess I will go polish up my lips for some serious butt kissing. The next post will be a doozy....

Black People

I guess this means I'm racist. But I'm also half black. So that makes me.... a Blacist. I really don't like black people, at my job. Not the employees, (Of which there are few) but the customers. I do my best to find something to do in the freezer, show someone where the Velveeta cheese is, or catch a sudden case of the green apple splatters when I see a black person walk up and start looking for help. I feel so horrible and dirty admitting this!!! It's because I already know what's coming. You can give them the same hints, prices, and seafood as any other race, and they immediatley think they are being discriminated against. A customer about a week ago. One of my nightmares. Black woman, early forties. "I need some orange roughy. Do you have any?" I pause. "I'm not sure, maam. I have to take a look in my freezer. Give me just a moment.." Her smile turned into a hard line. "Will that be a problem?" I was so surprised by her sudden change in character that I almost giggled as I said, "No maam, that's my job..." Then on the way back to the freezer to check, I started to get irritated. Why the fuck would that be a problem, anyway?... No orange roughy in the freezer. I wanted to shoot myself, but since I had no gun, I returned to my department to find her, now on her cell phone, with three new non-smiling customers tapping their toes behind her. As soon as I could grab her attention for a second and tell her, she became even more irate. "Maam, we don't have any. I went to-" She cut me off. "Well never mind then. Yall got and Dungeon (Dungeness, idiot!) crabs?" I rolled my eyes in my mind's eye and said, "Yes we do. We have the whole crabs at the moment, for $5.99lb. They weigh about-" Cut off agian. "Just give me two." Yes maam. Back in the cold-ass freezer. Dungeness crabs at the very bottom of a big fuckin stack of various heavy boxes. My fingertips were numb, and by the time I got out of the freezer, Snarlie was up at the counter, helping the poor SOB's who had the misfortune of lining up behind her. As soon as I printed the tag, she snapped, "No, I wanted those steamed, with Old Bitch seasoning." So great, fifteen more minutes of this salty-ass heifer loafing around my counter and scaring off potential customers with her loud-ass cell phone conversation. Cut to fifteen minutes later. Takes the bag of crabs, no thank you, and walks off. I go to lunch. When I get back, the steam bag is sitting back on one of the counters. I wanted to kick her motherfucking ass. It seems like every black person I help out has the tendancy to monopolize every bit of time that they can, try to spend the least amount possible, by haggling even, and then usually still don't buy a god damn thing. And if I had a penny for every time someone asked if they could use an EBT card to buy seafood.... UGH. Just ugh.

Senior Day

Before anything else, I wonder. Why doesn't everyone get a discount for falling in a certain demographic? Why not Asian Day? Or how about Fabu-Friday for homosexuals? Or Blind Day. Or Goofy Corduroy Slacks-AND-Crocs-On-A-Man Day?Jesus Christ! I suppose there is a bit of comfort in knowing that these special people don't have that much time left to throttle every ounce of patience, sanity and compassion out of my shrimp-tail scarred body. Every Thursday at Hairy Peter is Cryptkeeper's Discount Day. Fuck the fucking fuck.. Giving them this discount is like screaming at the top of your lungs in a bingo hall, "Free Entitlement Whore Lessons HERE!! AND FREE SAMPLES TOOOOO!!!" The seniors completley murder those free samples from the Bread, Cheese, And Deli Department, making little toothpick kabobs and sandwiches and shit, so when you ask "How are you doing today Maam/Sir?" you either get a "talk to the hand" gesture while they finish chomping, sometimes with their mouth open, or they answer you with a mouthful of food, spraying crumbs that are lightly scented with Sutter Home and dental creme all over your clean case glass. And that is, if you actually have the luck to get an old person that will actually return a greeting. I swear to bootleg, I try my best to say hello to every Joe Schmoe that strolls past the counter, but some people make me want to duct tape my mouth shut and communicate solely with sign-language. I greet them three times, getting louder each time, and on the third "Hey maam, need any help," I get, "WE'RE LOOKING!!!" Gee, you freakin AIDSmuffin. Maybe fuckin say so next time? Just a simple shake of your head is all I need, and I will leave you the hell alone. I promise.

Sashimi Grade Tuna Medallions

Have you ever really wanted to slice someone's jugular vein with a dull filet knife? Well, then you understand how I feel about the creator of these God-awful, red, shiny, clusterfucks. They are delicious. I've sliced up a few and eaten them with some sheets of nori for a quick lunch, many times. They are cheap this week (Sale: $5.99lb). But why, oh why in the name of all that's holy do they have to be so MANY DIFFERENT SIZES??? They bring out the picky, fastidious bastard in every customer. "No, not that one. Uppp..... no, left. Left!! My left. Down. No, no, no! See that guy hiding behind the kale? Yeah, that guy. Nopee, too many white thingies." FUCK! And then there are the people who always want the "biggest one's you've got." As far as I've know, medallion does not mean a huge, overweight steak. It's a small piece. They arrive at our store frozen, in a five pound brick of tuna, which is a bitch to thaw, especially on short notice. You are supposed to wait until the whole pack is pliable. Some people (coughClaycough) don't give a damn and wrench it apart while it's half-frozen, leaving big-ass fingerprints and rough-looking edges. Nobody wants those, and you have to find a non-picky customer or a wanderer who strays from the counter while you get their fish, allowing you to sneak the offending chunk in. Tuna has a pretty consistent fanbase. Mostly White people, almost always over twenty-five. A lot of people who purchase it ask weird questions. "Is this Ahi tuna?" Well, maam. If the sign says "Yellowfin Tuna", I guess that could spell Ahi in your own special language. "Do you have to put any type of chemical on it to eat it as sashimi?" Of course! A thin spritz of Clorox Clean-Up will give you that authentic Japanese tang. ...... O_o..