Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Man, I Can't Even Do It.

I can't believe I'm still doing this! Six months since the stank ass car accident that threw my finances into the shitter, I'm still at the Kang and the Teet. Hell, there were a few moments when I was sure I'd be fired. One morning I came in almost comatose from lack of sleep, and was giving the task of "cooking" the bacon for the sandwiches. It's pre-cooked, and comes in a large pack of normal sized bacon strips. Our "job" is to cut them in half and nuke the shit out of them until they perfume the air and are no longer limp. I placed the bacon on the cutting board, started slicing with a serrated knife, rested my forehead against the cool microwave, and was jerked awake about a minute later, still cutting, by Mr. Dilbert's voice. "Shuflayn!! WHAT the hell are you doing??" I sucked in the puddle of drool that threatened to jump from my lower lip and looked at what i was doing. I had managed to shred about sixteen strips of bacon into sad, smoky ribbons that were all less than a half inch in width. I tried to laugh it off and hurriedly shoved the mess into a trash can next to the waste bucket. Wrong move. I had no idea that Fancy does regular dumpster dives, allegedly to find out why we have so much waste. This fish took all the bacon out of the damn trashcan, put that shit in a paper bag with my name on it, and saved it for the district manager to see when she gave us a store walk the next day. I was not in trouble at all. Fancy just gave me funky looks for the rest of the month.

....... And after that, I started realizing that in the position I am in at the Fling, I can pretty much do whatever the fuckity fuck I want as long as I show up. When I come in, I do exactly $6.55 worth of minimum wage ass shit per hour. After that I pretty much loaf around, bullshit with customers, and play on my new Palm Centro. Occasionally, I can hold an intelligent conversation with one of my co-workers, but more than often, not. One of our regular old guys who comes in the morning, Mr. Happy, was getting his senior turbo coffee refilled by LaPain, a girl who's been working at the Fling for almost 2 years. She'd had gastric bypass surgery a few years ago, too. Her kangaroo stomach and ass that looked like cottage cheese crammed in a holy trash bag were the cause of many a chuckle at our small store. Not to mention one of her previous sex partners, an ex-employee, kindly let everyone who would listen that her vag was "haunted" and smelled like "a sewer". Suck.... But anyfakelezzie,, Mr. Happy had a red, white and blue sticker that proudly proclaimed "I Voted Today!" Of course, conversation quickly slid into politics. "So who'd you vote for Mr. Happy?" LaPain simpered in a voice that made me want to drag her into the cooler and bash her skull against a holding rack. "Well, I'm a Republican, sweetie. I voted for McCain this year." Her features instantly clouded over. Before she said a word, I chimed in, "Me too!" and smiled at him winningly(with a wink.). "Good choice there, Mustang Sally! Y'all have a good morning." He plodded off with his warm cup. LaPain cut her eyes at me bitterly. I smiled again. "You are going to fuck around and get your tires slashed voting for McCain." I actually physically stepped back against the force of her words. What teh hewwww???? I cocked my head to the side like a hungry parakeet to listen to her rant. "That's why your dumb ass is going to be working at Burger Fling for the rest of your life." I felt my own speech bubbling up inside me but instinctively held back. This is fucking bullshit! The reason why we are allowed to vote is to give us that freedom that Malcolm fought ferociously for. You ignorant god-damned whale! McCain is fucked anyway. He's not going to win!.... All at once I felt discouraged. I'm sure we would make Mr. Obama proud, threatening to go to blows to ensure my vote in the election. I felt disgusted with my race. I went and "bothered" Fancy, so she would take the necessary steps to ensure that this fuckwad didn't mess with my car or my person. Now, discussion of politics at the Fling is strictly forbidden. This is fine with me. If, when asked why you are voting for a candidate and the only reason you can manage is "Cause he Black," to the amusement and acceptance of your peers, you should not be allowed to talk about it. Fucking idiots.

Sunday, October 12, 2008


man I miss my blog. I hope you guys have not fogotten about me despite my false promises and spotty posts. five comments on this post and I will return....