Sunday, January 6, 2008

Sashimi Grade Tuna Medallions

Have you ever really wanted to slice someone's jugular vein with a dull filet knife? Well, then you understand how I feel about the creator of these God-awful, red, shiny, clusterfucks. They are delicious. I've sliced up a few and eaten them with some sheets of nori for a quick lunch, many times. They are cheap this week (Sale: $5.99lb). But why, oh why in the name of all that's holy do they have to be so MANY DIFFERENT SIZES??? They bring out the picky, fastidious bastard in every customer. "No, not that one. Uppp..... no, left. Left!! My left. Down. No, no, no! See that guy hiding behind the kale? Yeah, that guy. Nopee, too many white thingies." FUCK! And then there are the people who always want the "biggest one's you've got." As far as I've know, medallion does not mean a huge, overweight steak. It's a small piece. They arrive at our store frozen, in a five pound brick of tuna, which is a bitch to thaw, especially on short notice. You are supposed to wait until the whole pack is pliable. Some people (coughClaycough) don't give a damn and wrench it apart while it's half-frozen, leaving big-ass fingerprints and rough-looking edges. Nobody wants those, and you have to find a non-picky customer or a wanderer who strays from the counter while you get their fish, allowing you to sneak the offending chunk in. Tuna has a pretty consistent fanbase. Mostly White people, almost always over twenty-five. A lot of people who purchase it ask weird questions. "Is this Ahi tuna?" Well, maam. If the sign says "Yellowfin Tuna", I guess that could spell Ahi in your own special language. "Do you have to put any type of chemical on it to eat it as sashimi?" Of course! A thin spritz of Clorox Clean-Up will give you that authentic Japanese tang. ...... O_o..

Sashimi Grade Tilapia

Seafood Sale!! Front page! $3.99 per lb!!! The only thing I have yet to figure out is why anyone would want to eat tilapia sashimi. Even as a cooked fish, the mouthfeel is a little mushy, with a slightly mild fish taste. (And FYI.... "sashimi grade" does not describe a wonderful, premium fillet of anything. It is a very broad, vague term which can be best summed up as: the fish has been frozen to destroy any parasites that might have been harmful to you, had you consumed it fresh.) Tilapia is one of our more popular items, even when it's not on sale. ($7.99lb, regularly). The first day of the sale was complete and utter chaos. It was horrible. Oh, the mis-pronunciations! "Lemme get six pinds(pounds) of that ti-li-pia." And it truly amuses me when a customer has this cute, playful air... they give you the look that says, "I'm going to shock her with what I'm about to ask for." Ten pounds does nothing for me, lady. I could care less if you spend what I spend on auto insurance monthly on a cheap-ass whitefish. It kind of disappoints them when I don't even raise an eyebrow or ask what they need all of that fish for. Tilapia appeals to the masses. Black people, Caucasians, Mexicans, Asians. Young people, cryptkeepers. I kinda dislike the fact that no matter how many millions of pounds I've sold, these fuckers will probably never, ever see the endangered species list. And yes. This tilapia is from China. There is a source tag next to the sign that tells you the country of origin. You see it on the scale's moniter. But yet, you wait until I wrapped your shit up and handed it to you before you said, "Oh, Is that that Chinese stuff? My husband won't eat that." Or better, "I've done lots of research." Please do not lecture me on the dangers of toxic fish farming in China. And fifteen minutes of googling Chinese Tilapia is not research. The only thing I was told, via memo, from the higher-ups, is that Hairy Peter did not and will not recieve any of the tainted seafood.