Sunday, January 6, 2008

Sashimi Grade Tuna Medallions

Have you ever really wanted to slice someone's jugular vein with a dull filet knife? Well, then you understand how I feel about the creator of these God-awful, red, shiny, clusterfucks. They are delicious. I've sliced up a few and eaten them with some sheets of nori for a quick lunch, many times. They are cheap this week (Sale: $5.99lb). But why, oh why in the name of all that's holy do they have to be so MANY DIFFERENT SIZES??? They bring out the picky, fastidious bastard in every customer. "No, not that one. Uppp..... no, left. Left!! My left. Down. No, no, no! See that guy hiding behind the kale? Yeah, that guy. Nopee, too many white thingies." FUCK! And then there are the people who always want the "biggest one's you've got." As far as I've know, medallion does not mean a huge, overweight steak. It's a small piece. They arrive at our store frozen, in a five pound brick of tuna, which is a bitch to thaw, especially on short notice. You are supposed to wait until the whole pack is pliable. Some people (coughClaycough) don't give a damn and wrench it apart while it's half-frozen, leaving big-ass fingerprints and rough-looking edges. Nobody wants those, and you have to find a non-picky customer or a wanderer who strays from the counter while you get their fish, allowing you to sneak the offending chunk in. Tuna has a pretty consistent fanbase. Mostly White people, almost always over twenty-five. A lot of people who purchase it ask weird questions. "Is this Ahi tuna?" Well, maam. If the sign says "Yellowfin Tuna", I guess that could spell Ahi in your own special language. "Do you have to put any type of chemical on it to eat it as sashimi?" Of course! A thin spritz of Clorox Clean-Up will give you that authentic Japanese tang. ...... O_o..


KEVIN9763 said...


TheSilverPen said...

OMG this is hilarious! I'm one of the customers who want the biggest one ya got...because it's the only tuna in the case.

c food goddess said...

seriously, I feel your pain!!The way I found around this is to tell these,uhhhhh People, Yeah that's it PEOPLE, most all the medallions are the same size because they are cut from more towards the tail. You can tell whom ever your c food mgr is, try to keep just a half pan or so of steaks, if they want the biggest 1 then just go to that pan! I bet they stoop being so picky after you tell em that!!! Works 4 me!

oh yeah, good luck cause the are on sale for mothers day week, this wednesday!!

TheSilverPen said...

On sale! OMG I gotta hop in my wheels and head over, park like I'm blind and rush in to see how long the line of q-tips are until I get to the counter to find an empty display case. I often hear the bitties in front of me whine over every piece the poor underpaid clerk is picking out. As I wait, I think of all the masterful ways I'm going to fix my tuna, the smaller pieces marinate to tasty perfection, the larger pieces slice nicely on salads. I slobber just thinking about it, another silver headed broad to go and I feel my stomach growl. I just know I'll get a few shaped like my home state and one like a heart and...ohhhh, It's my turn! "I want..huh? Where's the medallions?" My heart drops to the floor as I hear, "sold out."
I start to look at the cotton top walking away and contemplate taking her package out of her cart as she picks out her wine, but then my conscience kicks in and my voice crackles out, "How about that slab of mahi-mahi?"