Friday, December 26, 2008

Crab Legs with Exkra Old Spice! And make sure they HOT!

Dear opillio/tanner/snow Crab,

I hate you. God knows, before I had to steam pounds and pounds upon steaming hot piles of pounds of your succulent little bodies in only two pound increments for hours upon end at the LAST POSSIBLE FUCKING MINUTE of my shift, I loved you. In my old stomping grounds at Hell-Mart, with my extravagant twice daily fifteen(ahem,thirty,ahhrgh) minute breaks and one hour lunches, I could easily eat a pound of your tasty claws with a small container of red potato salad. But now, you vile fucking fuck, have turned me against my own race, punched holes into my fingers, and made me want to commit suicide. I hate Mentos for saving up enough vacation and personal time to be able to take a week off when your goddamn asses are on sale. If I ever get enough time, money, and power, I will make it my personal mission to exterminate both you and Tilapia from the face of this earth. Have a wonderful New Year!

Shuflayn


I noticed that the weeks when I do the most self-medicating are when these crab legs are on sale. Lovely, frozen, thirty pound boxes of the spindly, cheap things. When they are not on sale, they are ten bucks a pound. WTF?? A drinking straw's worth of crab in one skinny leg. It's their money and they should buy whatever they want, right? Not with fucking EBT. Otherwise known as "The Food Stamp Card", aka the Bane Of My Exsistance. The state and federal government tax the holy fuck out of the two paychecks I recieve every four days for these lazy assholes. The last time I bought crab legs, they'd been reduced to $2.99 pp. I fucking hate people who walk up to me with designer purses that probably cost more than my car payment, shiny new sneakers, and dirty, ashy kids in tow, having the nerve to whisper, "Can I get steamed seafood on EBT?" I make a point of shouting back, because of the noisy fans in the department, no doubt, "SURE, YOU CAN USE YOUR FOOD STAMPS FOR ANYTHING BACK HERE, MAAM!!!" With a big, forced, grin. The reason I get so many asks is because the card cannot be used for "prepared" food. 100% void in the deli for hot chickens, subs, or ribs. God, it's money given to these goddamn people to pay for food to take the fuck home and cook. By the time they get it there, it's going to need reheating again. I'm not talking about folks who hardly ever come back to my department, who you see with kids or a disability, buying fish or meat, or even shrimp. I'm seriously upset by the motherfuckers who come in constantly, gripping their EBT card in one hand and an iPhone in the other. Cheap bastards. I can barely afford a pack of ramen some weeks, and I have to wrap up 40 dollars worth of lobster for these shmucks. Overheard on the phone: " You need anything from the store girl? A steak? Don't worry about it, I got my EBT... Just pick me up an Icehouse (beer) before you come home." He knows that he needs his ass beat for that shit.

5 comments:

TheSilverPen said...

You owe me some stitches, cause my side split from laughing so hard when I read this. I had crab legs last night, Cooked them myself. By-golly. From now on I'll think of you when I serve them ;).

MikeTheWaiterDotCom said...

Very funny post ... about one of my favorite foods in the world. keep up the good work.
mTw

TheClaw said...

Hey, you're a fantastic writer! You also have a great take on people and human nature. You should develop your writing skills into something financially rewarding, like putting a book together with the characters you meet and work with every day.

I did find the link that I mentioned to you the other day. It is:
http://www.dumblittleman.com/2006/10/40-ways-to-make-money-on-internet.html

You appear to be, and must be, very intelligent. I think you should take your perspectives on what life should be and funnel it into doing something that can help the community, like running for city alderman (or in this case, alderwoman or alderperson). Another thought is that you might make a great reporter. Your writing skills are both very impressive and expressive.
To protect yourself, however, you should not identify your current employer in your blog. Change the name to Acme Market, or something which cannot be traced back to hairy peter to keep your anonymity and your current source of income. You can revert back to the hairy Peter name once you've moved on to more fertile grounds.
Lastly, come up with a pen-name which would allow you anonimity. Your writings indicate your ethnicity, so a powerful name should be used, something like Rosa Armstrong, Ima (or Ida) Thorn, but you're more familiar with powerful sounding black names than I would be. The point being that you need a name that would lend itself well to either the writings and to an electorate or a newspaper, should you pursue either goal.
Personally, I think you would be an asset to the black community as its common sense representative who has the vision to do things correctly in this "good ole boy" community.
http://www.newbern-nc.org/C_Hall/aldermen.php
It pays $8099 per year, and meets on Tuesday nights. The election is in October, and papers have to be taken out and completed and a small fee paid) at the Craven County Board of Elections on July 6th (and available for two weeks).
They will also, if requested, supply you with a list of registered voters in your district. Forgive me if I'm aiming too high for you right now.
I guess I'm goal oriented.
Take care.
Mr. C.

TheClaw said...

Hey, you're a fantastic writer! You also have a great take on people and human nature. You should develop your writing skills into something financially rewarding, like putting a book together with the characters you meet and work with every day.

I did find the link that I mentioned to you the other day. It is:
http://www.dumblittleman.com/2006/10/40-ways-to-make-money-on-internet.html

You appear to be, and must be, very intelligent. I think you should take your perspectives on what life should be and funnel it into doing something that can help the community, like running for city alderman (or in this case, alderwoman or alderperson). Another thought is that you might make a great reporter. Your writing skills are both very impressive and expressive.
To protect yourself, however, you should not identify your current employer in your blog. Change the name to Acme Market, or something which cannot be traced back to hairy peter to keep your anonymity and your current source of income. You can revert back to the hairy Peter name once you've moved on to more fertile grounds.
Lastly, come up with a pen-name which would allow you anonimity. Your writings indicate your ethnicity, so a powerful name should be used, something like Rosa Armstrong, Ima (or Ida) Thorn, but you're more familiar with powerful sounding black names than I would be. The point being that you need a name that would lend itself well to either the writings and to an electorate or a newspaper, should you pursue either goal.
Personally, I think you would be an asset to the black community as its common sense representative who has the vision to do things correctly in this "good ole boy" community.
http://www.newbern-nc.org/C_Hall/aldermen.php
It pays $8099 per year, and meets on Tuesday nights. The election is in October, and papers have to be taken out and completed and a small fee paid) at the Craven County Board of Elections on July 6th (and available for two weeks).
They will also, if requested, supply you with a list of registered voters in your district. Forgive me if I'm aiming too high for you right now.
I guess I'm goal oriented.
Take care.
Mr. C.

Ribeye of your Dreams said...

Whoever had the idea to catch and cook any form of crustacean should be drug out in the street and shot for the world to see. As much as I love the taste of crab legs, I will never again work in a place that serves them. I worked at Shoneyland when I was 16 during their "All you can eat King Crab Legs" promotion, almost 12 years ago. After having exoskeleton thrown at me, being threatened for drawn butter, and having those little pliers brandished in my face when I refused another plate to someone until teh first was done, I decided that I'd never again do it. I can't even go to a place that serves them unless it's far from any...cultural area..

I'm back online, by the way, just wanted to let ya know =)

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