Wednesday, June 18, 2008

... The Hell?

After a four-day long vacation from the Fling, it was almost fun pulling into the parking lot, filled with cigarette butts and debris from other fast-food joints. I carefully backed my Mustang into a space with the passenger's side away from the windows, so none of my co-workers could see the sizeable ding in her side, stemming from just one (or three) sips of cheap brown liquor on my birthday's eve. Apparently it clouded my judgement enough to make me slam into the side of a concrete wedge sticking out of a median next to a gas pump. Surprisingly, I felt hungry when I smelled the hash browns and inevitably burnt bacon this morning. Probably because when I'm home and up that early, I eat. Mr. Dilbert was completing a drive-thru order as I walked in. We exchanged greetings and Wigga grumbled a "Good Morning" from the kitchen. I looked around, and as usual, 45453 things had changed since the last time I'd been there. We FINALLY made the switch to trans-fat free oil for the fryers. Most other fast food establishments changed months or even years ago, but I think the Fling was right in keeping it for as long as they legally could. The fries, onion rings, and hash browns will probably taste like shit now with that healthy freakin stuff. And FYI: I would not consider anything except for the Veggie Burger, which is cooked in it's own special pan, safe for a vegetarian. The Pork Sausage Patties are fried in any available grease, which sometimes infuses the other products, like French Toast Sticks, with a strange, rich, hoggy flavor. We also starting using the Trans-fat free crossaint-wich bread. I'm counting minutes until some hillbilly brings back their "Sawseh en Chaise Kussaint-wik" complaing of it's lack of grease. The prep was already totally finished when I came in at 6am, so we just waited around for customers and filled up sugar, dipping sauce for nuggets, and ketchup.Car pulls up. "Fancy", our General Manager, pre-recorded a message of her saying, "Good Morning, how may I help you?" to play within 3 seconds of a car tripping the weight sensor. "Hold on." said a deep, country voice. "Sure, let me know when you are ready!" I said in my disgustingly cheerful morning voice. About 60 seconds passed. I gently prodded- "Need a bit more time, sir?" A loooong pause. "A'ight. We ready." Another hellishly long pause. Mr. Dilbert poked his head around from the manager's office, where he was eating his daily biscuit with syrup. "What the hell do they want? Jackasses.", he snapped, running to the handwash sink to rinse the sweetness off of his fingers. "What can I get you??" he carped over the tinny drive-through microphone. "Ummmm...... We need fo' crassaints. On 2 of them, though, I just want the egg and the cheese." I tapped two Egg-Cheese Crossaint-wiches into the POS and waited. Another pause.... Mr. Dilbert cracked back down. "What are the other two?!" The drive-thru timer crept up on 2:30. "Uhhh..... with whatever else it come with!" At this, I collapsed. Tears sprung to the sides of my eyes as I screamed with laughter in the small window. My mouth wide open, I drooled on my arm slightly and Mr. Dilbert tried to stifle a chuckle as he sternly demanded, "What kind of meat?" But it didn't come out the first time, only "Meat??" to which they responded, "Sausage." But he didn't hear them, so he fairly shrieked, "WHAT KIND OF MEAT?!!" the second time. They again told him, "Sausage?" in a frightened voice. By this time, I was crouched on the floor next to the trash can, weeping and holding my aching abs. He hollered the total through the speaker, and immediately a car pulled into their place. I attempted to take their order. "Two Cini-Minis, please." I tapped the order in and spoke. "Okay, that's two Cini Minis; $2......BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" I was no more good for the next ten minutes. Later on, after Fancy arrived, she started making the schedule and I noticed a new shift. Oh, SHIT. We are now moving to 24 hours. I immediately volunteered for a spot. Hurrah for drunks and 3rd shift factory workers!! The best blog fodder I know.

2 comments:

staticwarp said...

dude, i have so many terrible stories from arby's, but i'm always there so i never have time to write about them. did you ever cook up some goddamn fish or what?

i missed ya...

Dr. Kold_Kadavr_flatliner, M.D. said...

Why don’t you follow us Home to Heaven Above if you‘re gonna croak as I am? How long do we have to enjoy this finite existence? 77ish, measly years? Compared to the length and breadth of eternity, 77ish years is like a dropOwater in the universe, quickly evaporating into nthn. Why don’t we have a BIG-ol, roxx-our-holy-soxx, party-hardy celebrating our resurrection for many eons? I’ll be your faithfull servant, too, for however long you desire: Heaven TOTALLY kicks-ass for eternity. PS see ‘P/C, unsanitized’ first, thus, feed’n-the-poor. Thank you profusely. _thewarningsecondcoming.com_